So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
