Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize