My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
