Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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