He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
