At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
