I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize