the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
