your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
