He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
