i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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