I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
