You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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