Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
