On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
