He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
