i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
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