Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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