i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
