I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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