Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
false alarm. still invincible.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
