Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
