you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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