I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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