Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
