I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
