Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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