I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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