I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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