Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize