Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
smell my finger.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
