You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
