I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
