i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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