Jerry, you need to find god
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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