Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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