she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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