Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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