If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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