Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
