I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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