I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize