I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
