Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
