insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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