Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
