i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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