so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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