Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
