It's like God shit irony all over that family
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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