So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
