I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
