Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
