Just fell off a train. Bad.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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