the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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