last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i barfeds in our rink
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
