The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
