guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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