i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
this hospital has no fireball
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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