guys are not supposed to queef...right?
there was a trapeze. enough said
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
