Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
