I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
