if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
