i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
