I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
