Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
